...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
. o O ( of course I should be sleeping ) O o .
today is relative

before we begin, you might want to know (or maybe i just want you to know) that this is the oldest journal I have online and over the years it was dessimated by servers bought out by big companies (yahoo, disney, att) that deleted the entries without warning and there are pages missing and broken links throughout... sigh... the loss still stings... recently, however, some of the old journal and original websites i put on the web back in the last millenium made it into the wayback machine and with all the wide-eyed wonder in the world, we can explore the ancient memories and creative play once again if you are interested in knowing... the link that brought you here should have warned you about this, that is, the possibility of getting to know more about me... if not, i apologize for your misconception or inconvenience and offer you an easy way out before you get in too deep...

if you are laughing, you just might get me...

anyway, while other journals are much more up to date right now (many even added to daily), this one was written during times of great change, challenge, and multiple upheavals that were cathartic and painful and desperate, yes, it was a time of desperation (and yes, emo... it is time for an emo warning... if you are in any way put off by emo, well, you've been warned... but if you believe as i believe that feeling are how you know you are alive, well, may you feel a bit of the emo i experienced over the years on your journey through this journal... just let's keep reminding ourselves that this is ancient history, m'ok?)ah, the parenthetic aside... those wandering mistrels will appear often in my writings, in case you have not noticed... feel free to follow them at your own risk and thank you for that...

am i digressing too much already?

where were we?... ah yes, depreration... life can be unfair sometimes, but let's not throw the pity party just yet, after all, this is just the introduction of the journal from days on by and if you are still reading, well, you are either a fan of babbling or you want to care about me so yay either way... meanwhile, as i was saying, while today (for the moment) is actually August 10, 2015, most of this long and winding intro to this entry was written before 2006 and the journal you seek (you are seeking, right?) was writen between 1998 (and prior, though uploading started in 1998) and 2003... and here I am introducing you to this (or that) journal (again) more seriously than usual because I want to thank you (most seriouly, thank you more than words can say) for being interested (or at least curious) enough to try to find me in these words as i so dearly crave deeper sharings even right now, whenever now might be... ah, some of us so easily dissolve into a puddle of mush...

who me?... ahem, and all that throat clearing nonsense

deep breath right?... well, as i see it, all I am at this moment that you are reading these words is the sum of all I've been, so the more time you spend here the more it is a tangible sign of how much you care and want to know me, which gives me goose bumps... your feedback means more to me than you'll ever know (unless maybe you appear in my head or at least look deep into my eyes and can see me through the rainbows and tears)... perhaps I will actually continue and complete and continue (is anythign ever truly complete?) this journal eventually... maybe... for now, we go on as it is...

tongue in cheek, ho...

to the babble... though I write an entry almost every day in some journal somewhere (through the diaries and into the blogs, but what's in a name?) online, most of these for this journal are unedited and many are unfinished... and then, thanks to corporate greed, some links will not work and you might get frustrated (and there it stood from 2010 through 2015 when i rediscovered that the wayback machine rediscovered my lost web world and all the joy in mudville and whoville and bedford falls combined could not compare with the joy of rediscovery, even better than that kiss at the end of the princess bride, though if my princess bride were here, she could convince me otherwise, but that's another story for another time)...

do you know harry too?

what emo?... right, so the bottom line is... if you care enough, or are curious enough, keep popping back to the index and you'll find links to the pages that did survive the many corporate massacres... for starters, you could follow the links that follow on this page and see where my mind might take you (relatively randomly... the key word there is relatively... you do know that everything is relative, right?... i mean, especially time, virtual or physical, is relative too, part of everything, ya know?... of course you do)...

or you could start at the window which leads to the journal's online beginning

as you wish

as opposed to the very beginning which was uploaded later but written earlier, i suppose, if you follow the reference that is timeless, though added today...


and so now, the entry that was hitherto so far only merely introduced, as i said, the bulk of this was written years ago and from here on out, pre-2003, mostly (with a soft sigh for the many lost links)...



almost today
(circa 2003)

recently, this was today... once, this was today... and other t o d a y s
where I am really up to, sorta (the key word there is sorta, really)...

other todays still thinking they are (or might be) today
today?    today?    today?

but truly, today is still missing, cuz I am only up to yesterday... until it returns,
 below is something to hold on to (or the other todays above)
(or, if you're bored with this, go play in the index and see what unmentioned updates are happening)


then again, this was once today:
(as it was... and until I catch up with myself, may still be)

























there

...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
. o O ( of course I should be sleeping ) O o .






"again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others
fall: again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees, lie down again and again
among the flowers, face to face with the sky"


~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~










it was midnight in another dream and a new letter was inspired...

Rilke and you, of course... once again you reach deeper into me than I wanted anyone to unless they were sitting beside me with arms wide open to hold me as I fall apart, trusting me to come back together as I always do... surviving the infinite abyss of endless desire... alone...

it is not true love unless it scares you

my lips have almost forgotten what desire means
for so long I've been missing my love
torn from my heart, breaking all my dreams
wounds like this are meant to always bleed
silently the moon cries every night
buried in subway halls
burned in airports
why do you think they call them terminals

and she loved it when I sang, I sang
if it takes forever, I will wait for you
and did I know that she was hearing
I will always love you

and when promising to love
until the end of time
do we really believe time can not end?

meanwhile, deep inside my this heart I know as my own...

I still mourn the loss of my first true love
a void so feared, an abyss so immense
thirty years have not diminished it's power to consume my passion
would a million?
three decades have not reduced it's intensity
time does not effect the inspiration I so fear
and still am so drawn to it
I live for it
and I would die to feel it
just one more time
again

today I live to embrace one who understands the need
one who will drink the blood of wounds meant to always bleed
one who will drink the tears of eyes meant always to cry
one who will find the child inside who knows the natural high
always laughing at the clouds
always waking up reborn
smiling from within the storm
feeling the peaceful eye
seeing through the pointless fears
seeing the rainbow through the tears

for you who understands
I reach out to warm your hands


(a little closer to)

. o O ( today? ) O o

or

. o O ( today? ) O o

but maybe

. o O ( today? ) O o

ummmm

. o O ( today? ) O o

and this page was once updated
today


but mostly, this is
today?

use the wayback machine to find the broken links



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