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| Subject | keeping in touch with you (and time) |
| DateCreated | 11/23/2008 10:30:00 PM |
| PostedDate | 11/24/2008 6:29:00 AM |
| Body | i don't do this often, but every now and then i write something i want to share as much as possible, so i post it here and there and everywhere... if you've already read this elsewhere in my rambles, feel free to skip it... even though i feel it is worth reading again... even though there may be (and often is) something added every time i re-post something... even though it's been ages since i last posted anything here and you wonder what's happened to me and this entry might hold a clue if you read it through... even though i am a ridiculous tease and attention whore and you love it or hate it or both... even though i love to play with words so much that i will often insert extra adjectives, adverbs, and other forms of linguistic twists into writings to express thoughts or feelings or ideas that could easily be expressed in a few words (not to mention tangential parentheses and assorted asides, which very well might be an appropriate title for my biography if it's every written)... use your time as you see fit as you keep in touch with me... or with with time, for that matter (and we'll get into the matter of matter in a bit, as a matter of fact)... and speaking of time (oh, were we?)... maybe time is more real in the physical space as movement and changes in visual acuity and perspective provides more time passing clues that are more challenging to ignore than they are online where the words or web page remains static for much longer periods than the life does in physical space, so while moments become minutes that can seem like hours or longer in physical space, days and even weeks can seem like moments here online... the years between communication behind the candoor, for instance, can feel like only yesterday when reconnecting here in cyberspace, so perhaps it is appropriate to use the term cybertime to express the relativity of time passing online... and then, i suppose, there are other factors effecting the perception of the passing of time... for instance, those i have spoken to to share voice and words with two additional senses are usually missed sooner and time is perceived passing more quickly between communications... just as those who i shared five sensory physical life for any period of time present the passage of time in much faster cycles, a week without word from a physical space friend seems much longer than a week passing between communications with someone i never physically met or even spoke to on the phone... this may be why immediate families become dependent on daily sharings, whether rituals or schedules or simply patterns, a sense of need, even desperation, can be felt when too much time passes between life partners or children and parents... and my perception of time, like my perception of most everything, is often a bit askew from the norms of the humans i generally meet... i believe this is because i refuse to turn off the awareness of the moment being all eternity (for the moment) and therefore i feel the time passing in singular synaptic perceptions, seconds and often fractions of seconds... and when i forget my perception of time the reaction is often despair, for the longing to share is acute every moment as it passes into the next moment... and on the flip side of that perception is the experience of actually sharing moments, a euphoria that is ignited with every synaptic sensation (and we wonder why people don't stay too close to me in physical space for too long?... but just cuz they are afraid of burn out or over-stimulation, it does not mean burn-out or over-stimulation happens... fear keeps people from actually knowing a lot of things about themselves and the experiences they could experience in this life, sigh and all that, and onward)... and the excitement continues to build... i won't mind exploding when the body finally gives out and can no longer handle the intensity of physical perception and emotion that i choose to experience for as the writers and characters in City of Angels expressed so well, especially at the end, one moment, one experience of life to it's fullest shared is worth an eternity of not knowing and not experiencing and not feeling it all... and i've had many years of such moments, shared and not shared (and even the not shared ones are magical), still with the hope of sharing more... i just hope whomever has to clean up the mess doesn't mind too much... ah, the humors of the dead may never be fully appreciated by the living, which is sad, especially if there is no perception of such humors by the dead after death, but that is a time beyond my perception at the moment, so i return to the real time pondering of real time here and now in this bit of literary contemplation... as a child, a moment seemed like an eternity waiting for a drink or a cookie or a ride to somewhere i wanted to go... as a teenager time slowed slightly, but only slightly as the critical need for immediate gratification and resolution of the experiences of school and social life seemed so profoundly important and everyone simply had to drop everything to focus on my needs of the moment... and all through the years, the perception of time changes, but do the moments move any faster as decades pass?... physicists would argue that time is a constant, even as theorists present the possibility of the bending or manipulation of time... but all of us already manipulate our perception of time, consciously and unconsciously, through this life... and is not perception everything?... so i feel concern that some time has passed, weeks, in this case, without word from some of you i know in this life... some of you communicate here, others communicate elsewhere... and when weeks or months (or years, even) pass online, the realization of how far away we are and how i might never know if something serious happened or changed in your life rises closer to conscious clarity and that lifts the illusion of closeness that can be felt when words are exchanged on a daily or almost daily basis... perhaps this is the double edge sword of daily babbling that has lead me away from it in the past every time i tried it (and yet, i've come close to succeeding at it for more than ten years now, in different incarnations and cyberplaces... perhaps i simply learn to ignore the time passing so well, i do not realize just how long i've kept this up... that helps keep the concerns, the loneliness, and the thoughts of futility at bay, i suppose... good deal, aye?... see the puppy wagging his tail?)... i wonder how much of this time contemplating time has been influenced or brought on by this weekend with harry (much more than i mention, but then... for some things and experiences and perceptions you had to be there, and here, for that matter, for matter does matter in the matter of perception... narf... go ahead, quote it, you know you want to {oh, fool ego, how casual you toss the hairs of your mane across the landscape of your potential... if only they knew the presence, they might laugh at you as much as i}... what?)... and then there is the reawakening of the babbler and kin who live behind the candoor where the concept of time passing (and sounds of silence as well) was noted long ago in so many ways... and all this time since birth and all this time online i've waited each moment for the sharing of each moment, for the one who could and would... imagine how long my perception makes that feel like, if you can/will... no wonder life amazes me most every moment... and me too... so i sit here tonight pondering, contemplating, experiencing my perception of time, of moments passing... and i am sharing as well as i am able while sitting here alone... i wonder what you are doing... are you ok, sad, happy, sick, well, high, low... wishing you would tell... only time will tell?... yes, we can say that, but in truth, it is not time, it is you who will tell if and when you choose to... if it happens, it will happen in time, so we attribute it to time in this sense, but it is you... for time does not know you as well as you know you, even if time had a consciousness and could actually type words for you... time may be, in the end (or right now or before, even), a figment of your imagination... you too, in fact, especially if you are unshared, so imagine well, and share... are your days filled with laughter or tears or both or neither?... and why, the ultimate question for me, why are you feeling as you feel, why are you doing what you do, why are you here, there, wherever you are... you may respond in the moment i send this entry to the web, or in minutes, or hours, or days, or weeks,. of months, or years from this moment of writing and uploading... or you may not respond at all... i hope you do, for my concern for you is genuine... more intensely felt the more i have shared with you, but even if we shared a few notes and mutual reading of our respective online words once upon a time, i care and wonder how you feel today... and hope you are well... and the changes keep on changing... keeping in touch with you, old friends and new, and family, this was the original reason for my starting to write daily journal entries online more than a decade ago...and this is still the primary reason i continue almost daily in several places around the web... keeping in touch with you... today, i write relatively brief notes summing up the daily life as i experience it at (e)thereal... also, in a somewhat vain and quite irreverent attempt to understand and therein perhaps feel (become?) more human, i write almost daily babblings about whatever comes to mind or passes before my senses, this, that, life, the universe, everything, and beyond at RealTime™... and recently, the babbling from deeper recesses and corners of my mind (and whomever else might inhabit the space between my ears from time to time) has reawakened behind the candoor (and there are others and more and... well, still other more)... this is my part... you know my name, you know my number... you know where to find me, and how... i hope to hear from you, here, or somewhere, soon... share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow... honest love... me |