it's a strange paradoxical illusion, this living in words... private, yet public... solitary, yet interactive... momentary, yet timeless... as real as we want it to be and yet, all in the mind...

I published small magazines some time back... it was a time before the internet moved into our lives... one of the rags, as the small magazines were called, offered wanna-be writers a chance to share and discuss their experience and their writing... another allowed people to put a few words of their own into the magazine to create any illusion they fancied and invite readers to correspond with them, to enter into a written discussion based on the fantasy... real pen-pals sharing real words and art on real paper delivered by the post office, but pretending to be someone or something else in a shared illusion...

during those years I had many dozens of wonderful correspondences and developed some rewarding and endearing long distance relationships based solely on the written word... some relationships based on sharing our real lives... some relationships based on sharing our imaginations... the anticipation of checking the mailbox was a highlight of each day...

and yet, rare was the bond that crossed into the physical world and rare was the bond that maintained connection over the years (and bless the few who did for it is the lasting connections we maintain with friends in this life that weave the tapestry of memories that help us remember the journey and create a much deeper portrait of our lives)...

still, the dichotomy, the paradox remains...

do we know each other?...

and what is real?...

a friend from what we call the blogosphere, a reader since 2002, came to visit in person one day, bridging the gap between online and offline life, and since then, has become one more reminder of the difference between online-only sharing, even if it spans years, and physical world sharing, even if it spans moments... this friend left me the following comment citing a few of our mutually shared experiences that, for me, brings the clarity of the difference to light:

"not 8 million comments and 58 additional blog posts in which you extol my virtues [at my website] equal one reboot of the DOS machine that runs the Columbia Landing Simulator at KSC, nor one ball flying over the edge at Cocoa Beach while you're flirting with the waitress, nor asking the waitress to change the muzak OR!!!!

not 8701234701234 posts can describe any ONE of those moments, so what is the point of posting and whining about never being able to convey IT in words?"

the truth, as I see it, is simple, a few real moments of shared experiences in physical space shine much longer in the mind than a billion words...

and that is why I'm "out here" as I am, in life and on the web... with my phone number right there on the profile and front pages of many sites (here, there, and wherever) and the welcome mat out on my doorstep (online and off)... hoping for a few minutes, an afternoon, a weekend or longer shared in physical space to make the memories that matter, that last, that build bonds from the illusions and trust we place in words...

and maybe you thought "visit" was just a word? :)

I love words... I love expressing myself in words... I love reading others expressing themselves in words... I love playing with words to convey emotions, ideas, and concepts real and illusionary... I love sharing creativity in words... I love sharing real moments in words... and yet, I accept that words are often futile tools we use to attempt to express things that are so much deeper than we can express in words...

words are a singular dimension when compared to the sharing we can experience in physical reality and I do not believe this acceptance diminishes the power of words, I believe it simply puts perspective into place...

so the pendulum swings from loving the literary sharing and bonding we can do online to the acceptance that it is illusionary mind games we allow ourselves to play... and I ponder the spectrum of experience and emotion from the various levels of trust we can place in words, to believe a real person is typing with me in mind, sincerely sharing words from their heart, and that he, she, or you are believing in me doing the same... and I reflect on the other end of spectrum as the pendulum swings to thoughts and memories of the actual experience of contact, the incomparable personal sharing of eye contact, smiles, touch, and activities in physical reality offline...

as it so often does, life, or the universal connective energies, intervened in the form of a film on TV... and as you may have seen if you read the previous entry, somewhere in this pondering of dichotomy, the universe provided the appropriate mockery (which is why I love it) and inspiration as I glanced at the TV and found You've Got Mail was on (and so came the quote that opened the previous real illusions entry)...

and further tickling of this subject came as the Kathleen Kelly character says to her ex-boyfriend as they mutually agree to break up, as he admits he's found someone else and he asks her if she's found someone else, she responds obviously thinking of her online relationship with Tom Hanks, "no, but there's the dream of someone else"...

ah, the dream... I love the dream... at times I've shared the dream in words and in the physical reality of daily life... and at times, alone, I've lived for the dream asking, is the dream really enough?... the answer changes with mood and perspective...

and I wonder how we would view the ending of the film if they never actually met, if they remained enamored with the thought each other they found through words and the deeper illusions of each other they created in their minds...

ultimately, I love the literary illusions and the real hopes and dreams and sharing that  words can inspire, but as rich and deeply colorful the mind can make our visions of our pen-friends, it is a pale image in comparison to some time shared eye to eye, in audible conversation, in physical space...

I thank my friend(s) for always being there to remind me of this...

and just when we'd think this could conclude - again the universe intervenes as appropriately as if it was writing this entry for me... I am reminded of the flip side, the dichotomy, the paradox, the power of words...

I realized, once again, the wonder and excitement and realness of words just last weekend... I spent about 24 hours in the world of Harry Potter... and how real I allow that world to become in my mind... the Potter world has joined many other stories as a living illusion in my mind, a story that I choose to experience and it's fitting, for me, to close this commentary on the power of words and the relationships we can create through online blog posts, comments, messages, and correspondence with a quote from the last book...

the last line of this quote may become my favorite line of the thousands of pages of Potter and maybe, eventually, to become one of my all-time favorite quotes:

"Tell me one last thing." said Harry. Is the real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

think about it...