so there I was sitting and listening to some of my deepest roots played by much younger branches on the tree of music... the Postal Service sang Grow Old With Me and the ironies wove odd smiles on my face as I listened to the words I know so well, Robert Browning put to music by John Lennon sung by recent icons of music and some kids who were singing that song that was a hit before their mother was born (and mother should know, ya know)...

the other postal service delivered the Instant Karma CD and I was swept into it's musical dreams... subtitled The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur, the compilation at once brings back beautiful memories, distant thunder, and at times, reminded me of a little like an old man moaning (listening to Lenny Kravitz do Cold Turkey {and a couple of others} gave me that latter feeling)...

and I think to myself (what a wonderful world?... well, sort of, but more specifically), Darfur?...

John Lennon music for Darfur?... rock on... and that's when I look up Darfur on a map on the internet and learned how many stay aware and how far away from the world I am living in my own little bubble in this well-insulated land of the free where my primary serious thought is whether the company put enough money on the table for me to take the promotion they offered this week... I mean, what can one person do, right? (another John asked that in song once)... it's not like it's yesterday's news, ya know?... and I feel my hypocrisy and carelessness... whatever gets me through the night?... it's no coincidence I skipped mentioning the first three songs on the CD...

do I really have to remind myself of (and face up to) the fact that I spend much of my personal time whining and bitching and pretending everything is a joke here on the web because life offline is devoid of intimacy or meaningful personal sharing?... ooowee baby, sure feels right... I mean, even bloggers know... and I self-mock... so I sat a read a lot while listening to songs I know well... and I sent some dollars and wrote a couple of letters and wonder if I should feel better about myself and the relative luxury I take for granted...

it's not that I will stop enjoying what I have, for that is what I want for everyone and why I give a little and care about the people of Darfur and other places - so they might have the chance to live better, to enjoy life more... I don't just give and care out of guilt, not me... even as I might be building a bit of a guilt trip for myself right here, I know it won't work... I don't believe in guilt (and John's song God, the next to the last song on the CD comes to mind)... but I do care and I know that caring is a verb if it to mean anything, so I appreciate the wake up, the reminder, the music...

and to the music - there were some covers I enjoyed a lot and some I did not... maybe Snow Patrol's version of Isolation should be the bell ringer for me as the song has always reminded me of life as I've known it... and I do love Snow Patrol... and what follows, Watching The Wheels... yes, I've skipped ahead to the second CD... running from myself, probably not, we shall see...

I think the producers of the CD captured the duality that was John and so many of us... the demands ego makes for individuality, the demands the heart makes for sharing... the fear of life, the fear of death, wanting to be free, wanting not to be alone... and I wonder, can two truly free spirits actually bond permanently for all time, or is that just one more illusion in my mind... or more melodically...

oh, the emo of it all... but the music leads me back to my heart and there I am pure emo... the good emo, if you can imagine... and the music distracts me from loneliness and life, mostly, even as it draws me in closer to the core... it's so easy to find distraction in life today... so easy when no one around comes close... still, I have my dreams... so I listen to the music some more...

I dearly love Jackson Browne, but I wish they got someone else to sing Oh My Love... he should have done something with a bite, not one of the softest, sweetest, most beautiful love songs ever created... I'd have liked to have heard Tori Amos sing it, or even Kelly Clarkson sing it... maybe even Jenny Lewis or Annie Lennox or Sinead O'Conner or Dido or Joni Collins (remember her?... catch the references to her songs in this entry yet?)... or Beth Gibbons... ever hear Lori Carson?... how about Patti Dahlstrom?... or last year's Americal Idol winner... or Meg & Dia?... I supposed I am prejudiced to the female voice singing a love song, but even Garth Brooks or the boys from Extreme, not Jackson's aging nasal tones that could be so much better used on a number of other songs... I wonder how Josh Groban or Michael Crawford would do it... and where was Paul, working on his own music...

have I mentioned that I've not slept much this week yet?...

I really ought to have napped instead of writing this entry as I set off to see the Harry Potter film before it was completed (and so I came back to it tonight)... yes, I broke down and bought us three tickets... also bought three tickets for the All Shook Up show on Saturday... might also see Urinetown... my inner budget director looks at me sternly and I reply, I wanna see things and I don't want to see them alone, ok?... and four tickets for Warped Tour next weekend... being rich is just not my thing, even when it was... but I'm no working class hero, that's for sure... anyway, if it wasn't for the movie, I'd probably have stayed up all night inspired to write between the CDs in spite of the lack of sleep (did I mention a new Paul McCartney CD was in the box too?... haven't listened to a new Paul Mac CD in decades... can Elton John or the Moody Blues be far behind?...  oh emo, where's John Denver now?... ok, I amuse myself, that's life... memories and dreams, it's clouds illusions I recall, I really don't know clouds, at all... alas, the most important things can not be shared by buying tickets to the show)...

so many parenthetic asides end on serious notes...

I don't know where this entry might have gone (or be going... and I doubt anybody really knows where it's been), but it's a tip of a much larger entity, a flood of words waiting for something, for Godot, perhaps, but most of all, waiting for someone to wait with...

most of life is spent waiting for the next scene, the next act of the play, the next interaction, the next plot twist, the next surprise... we watch for the light to turn green, listen for the oven timer to ring, wait for the show to begin, for the appointments we make, for the rain to stop... we sit and wait and watch, even when we're not looking... we wander through our lives waiting to die... we listen, even when we are not hearing... roses?... what roses?...

and the music comes back again... watching the wheels is much more fun when someone is growing old along with me... I knew that even when I was a baby...

so the CD opens with the promise of instant karma, of some sort of enlightenment, just like the 60's did... and in ends in the stupor of real love, just like the dream did... and I think that perhaps the message never did come together... the message that all the best intentions and enlightenment in the universe is only a prelude to experiencing a moment of shared unconditional trust and honest love... maybe ego's independence was a lie and the true freedom is found in letting go, in merging, in leaping into faith, in unconditional trust... being aware and alive and in touch in self, but not alone, in self merging with another self... real or imaginary...

and you may say that I'm a dreamer...

I'd rather it be real... and I hope someday we can reach even beyond that to find that we can all shine on (like the moon and the stars and the sun)... and we can all live as one... not just imagine... and we can actualize the best of our hopes and dreams... and we can experience unconditional trust because we can humanize honest love...

but for now, I'd just like to see more people reaching the starting point, the baby step, the first contact.. heart to heart, mind to mind, being to being... two sharing a moment... two being one because they start as one and can share themselves and each other... love is the opening door... give (thanks Elton) your smile to someone today... for free (thanks Joni)...

beyond all the music and words and memories and dreams, I think John got there... and I hope he's not the only one...