if you really want to know me, then bare with me as this rambling entry unfolds and perhaps you'll find more of me in these words than you've found before... or maybe it's just another tease... you know how to find out...

4:20am... one of my favorite times of the 24 hour clock... from the melancholy hope of the Carpenter's wide awake at 4am (one of my top ten all time autobiographical songs... but that's another story expounded on behind the candoor) to the other meaning for 420 that used to be my external meditative aid of choice until I decided it was too expensive and that I didn't really need any external meditative aides, though I think, more and more, that the occasional additive to the meditative/creative process would be a welcome memory and change from the mundane constant peace that surrounds me and my roller coaster heart and has for so long now, but that too is another tale told by a madman and lived by a fool for another time and other places)...

hey, what can I say, I did three Krispy Kremes and more than a liter of Code Red today... and after hours and hours of college football upsets and baseball playoffs, I am quite ready for my favorite stuff, music...

so it's late now and the games are done... I've got Meg and Dia serenading me in the headphones and you know how I adore my aural romance with Dia's voice and the band's music... ah, if only we lived in the same different world in our minds (amusing turn of a phrase if you follow my thought)...

and then there's this 420...

the time, the memories, the creativity, it all comes together (to a head, in fact) when I am awake and alone in these moments and I get more real about everything selfish and me-related than I usual am (in other words, my usual daily life of altruism sits on a back burner and the deepest most selfish dreams rise to the surface)... and the surge of desire, the hunger, the craving, the dream of sharing the passion of falling and being in love becomes ever so real... almost real enough to step on the board and dive off again... but alas, thanks to my isolationist policies in the social arena, the pool may be as empty as it appears and that could be a big hurt...

but oh, the love could be so wonderful at 420...

so it would seem that I am inching my way to actually being ready to take some sharing of intimacies seriously in this real world (in real time, no less) again... and there's a rumble from somewhere ever so deep inside that articulates into, but who to trust?... whom, even?... and there's a bittersweet chuckle from the part of me that accepts imperfections and lets all bets ride...

one sure sign is the increase of mixed metaphors...

and the musical bubbles rise up from the depths of my dreams and remind me of the magnifiscent explosions of passion and devotion and adoration and love that I've known and shared and tell me of possible explosions yet to be... and the fantasies are not enough for these musical bubbles... ah, dear bottom line child, how I neglect you... and miss you...

and another sign is my increasing posts in more public places (like here where the potential contacts are much more abundant than I have in my semi-private, mostly obscure blogs, journals, and diaries...

and then there are these nineteen stars...

that's Meg and Dia... thank you band, thank you Meg, thank you Dia... I love you, and if there is anything I can do to say thank you, anything at all, I am at your service in the truest sense of the word as knights meant it once upon a time...

and I have another 420 song (there's a private personal depth there I've not touched in years, but still, I know it is where I live)... from, to, wish, dream, and if we like, call it a prayer... and I wonder if the writer and the singer feel anything close to what I feel when I hear it and when I sing it... and I wonder how they knew I've been singing it all my life...

yeah...

the recurring theme of my life is reborn anew and if the ones who gave it rebirth never actually know or share the real time with me, they open the door for someone else... and that is wonderful... and that is glee... and that is how it works, the recycle, the healing, the magic... the method to my madness is not just the writing, but the music (and I've stayed away so long)... finding the song(s) that compel me awake, that capture my essence, that propel me back out of the cocoon and demand I actualize...

a song that can play on repeat dozens of times and each time it's more intense, more true, and closer to my heart and mind and soul and spirit and anima and ka and whatever we might call the purest essence of the being that I know as me...

lather, rince, repeat...

and enjoy