|
|
...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
running on empty is not really running at all more to follow later there was just no gas in the tank for any real push today... three miles, but exhaustion from not sleeping enough interferes with progress... so do I sleep?... of course not... I ramble on in the various journals that have not become a virtual pinball machine of words and I am the ball... we shall see just how long I can maintain four distinct journals simultaneously, considering this one is still way behind and a need for an exercise log grows each day and the other journals, like my heartbeats and lifetimes and musical journeys and worklife and so on haven't seen me in way too long... worklife seems to be perking up, but this one is the main journal that is behind and when this one is behind I feel behind on life... so work on it, dummy J it's become the only distraction that matters to find a way to end the loneliness I keep thinking that if only I had a friend it would complete my happiness it's become the only excuse I put stock in the only obstacle I will respect for I believe life is for sharing true love everything else I reject I love games and learning and caring I love reading and writing and fun I love helping and teaching and giving I love the Earth, the moon, the sun I love children, animals, and nature I love music, movies, and TV I love sports and exercise and numbers I love friends and family but it's never enogh to enjoy life though I can enjoy everything until I am sharing true love forever I feel like I am just waiting even singing and you know how much I love to sing until I am sharing true love forever I feel like I am just waiting I could so easily let myself feel desperate enough to settle for anyone, but momentary fantasy is not long term satisfaction... I've know a few people who are soulmates... that close... but something has been missing every time and what was missing was too much to accept in the compromise that every relationship becomes... thinking back... the first time youth was in the way... still in our parents homes, neither of us was prepared for independent life and family and peer pressures crushed her spirit and when she could not rise above and walked away from me rather than from everything else, we cried... the second time ego was in the way... at least I think it was ego... we shared wonderful years together, but the one sharing that did not happen was the written gardens and music... we lived in a large place that was more like a library than an apartment as every wall was shelved and every shelf was full of books and musical recordings... and as open as I am, she was not interested in the creativity, the words, the music... that was not shared and I had to leave to be free to find a soulmate who would share my creative interests because they were hers too... music and words are too much a part of me to not be an integral part of sharing with a partner for life... ultimatel I think she wanted a daddy and not a partner... she was a soulmate who was not ready to share everything and I want to share everything... and when I finallly walked away from her rather than give up my dream of sharing everything, we cried... and then a few children, adopted as sister, as lover, as friend... but the gap in experience and life goals kept those from growing into full blown relationships... I miss those children and being out of touch with them, I cry... and then the third time fear was in the way... at least I am pretty sure it was fear... we shared amazingly volitile years, first on paper and then in shared space and the saddest realization I must face is that the promises on paper were not followed through... she needed therapy, not a relationship... I think she was hurt and angry that I needed a relationship and she was not ready for one... and I think I was hurt and angry that she was not ready to deliver on the relationship she promise... and I foolishly would not provide the therapy (which would have been an emmense challenge since we had already started what we thought would be a relationship), being a big baby who pouted instead of a friend who stepped back and fulfilled the need she had for daddy and therapist... but again, I want to share everything and, at least on paper, she said she could and would and wanted to so I felt betrayed... but I still could have and at my bottom line I know I should have sucked it up and provided what I could provide... for I paid dearly for not providing it... life will never be what it could have been and I will never be the same pure soul I was before that third time... but life is not baseball and it's not three strikes and your out, so I will find the strength and will and hope to try again... that is what all the words of the last few years have been leading up to... accepting that I must once again walk away from a soulmate, even though physically we parted some time ago, the actually walking away and giving up on her being the one takes a bit longer than a few physical steps or miles... so I must move on again... I cry |
audios literata edibles gardens oddends linkage moments |
work,
work, local radio The Salmon Of Doubt by Douglas Adams meatball "wrap", wings wantlist READ DISCLAIMER , and wandering the web |
JOURNAL INDEX |
TURN THE PAGE |
(please note the same time menu bar will be behind for a while) THE SAME-TIME MENU BAR - FOR EACH GARDEN AROUND THIS SAME TIME NEW KIT WORKLIFE LIFETIME JOURNAL HEARTBEAT GAMES WANTS |
