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...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
sometimes a pause is waiting to see what will happen next sometimes a pause is catching a breath sometimes a pause is beyond our understading but every pause knows why it is there even if we don't watching ET... and remembering there were so many good times laughter and tears deeper than words can reach even though I had my rhymes there was still so much to learn still so much to learn love is a fragile thing and yet the strongest force in the universe I bet you never knew all that love can do love is a wicked thing and true when it doesn't get what it wants from you it'll change the world from the time you were boys and girls there were so many times so many good times passion and pain words could never explain beyond any rhymes there is still so much to learn so much to learn memories calling from the darkest corners of your mind wanting only one thing from you don't leave us behind you can run you can hide you can bury us all inside but damn all the pride damn fear there are so many times you feel words you long to hear be real memories are where you keep the dreams you think are broken and love unspoken love is a fragile thing and yet the strongest force in the universe no one ever knew all that love can do love is a wicked thing and true when it doesn't get what it wants from you it'll take your life carve it up with a sharp knife there were so many times remember the day so much to say but words never came and you walked away there is still so much to learn so much to learn so I spend the majority of the movie searching the internet for old friends, old loves, old memories... and the irony remains that most of the people I want to find most are still not listed anywhere I've looked online... strange how, as open and out there as I am, the people who have meant the most to me in this life are not out there in any easy to find way... no listing anywhere... no web pages using their real names... no way to connect... I have thought about spending money to pay for a search but haven't felt like it would be worth it maybe I just don't want to deal with disappointment maybe I'm just too poor to buy lottery tickets maybe I'm just procrastinating about that too alas, perhaps they do not wish to connect... perhaps they do not want to keep in touch with their past... I'll try not to take that as a devaluation of my self-worth (and keep my sense of humor too) J so I keep my promises deep inside where no one can take them no one can break them no one can fake them but they ache for recognition and they cry for acceptance but no one can found where they hide or is that my greatest fear why I wallow in despair afraid no one can care enough to feel the violations make them real sweet absolution where do you go when you need forgiveness where do you find peace of mind what do you do when your world is crashing when love and god seems blind when everything feels unjust when you have no one to trust when nobody understands where do you land? and when silence is the only answer you hear where do you go when you disappear . o O ( wow... someday I ought to come back and finish that ) O o . there is further irony on this date... the person who I called mom for a few years was born on this date... she adopted me to save her marriage and that didn't work... I also guess she wanted to fit in with her family and since her younger siblings all had kids, the pressure was on her big time... so I was her means to be normal... being normal was very important to her.. and very important to the man she later married after the first guy she adopted me with wandered off somewhere... I became an ornament and teddy bear that kept her normalish and company each night... and then some years later she married a guy perfect for her and left me far behind... what I learned from her (and him, though he added callous disregard, egocentric superiority, and acceptance of failure) is how to be afraid and lonely and selfish and insensitive to anything that might make me feel... I never used that last skill, at least I don't think I did, until the last few years... before it was always the opposite... I poured fuel on my fires and poured alcohol on my wounds (still do, when they are physical) and poured myself out into words until my fingers bled and every feeling I had was as powerful as I could feel or imagine... but I gave up a few years ago... well, sorta... if you've wandered around theses gardens, I might think I gave up and may have genuinely wanted to give up, but obviously not completely... something... I think she's still alive... him too... for so many years, so many times, in so many ways I tried to help them love, tried to convince them that they did not have to be afraid to feel, that they could accept the things they've done and change the way they related to me and each other... but they were too convinced everything was my fault... after all, they were perfect for each other... they fed into each others dillusions so well that nothing else was real for them... especially not their adopted (and no longer necessary) child... fact is, they cold wait for me to get out and while they pretend love and appaul well enough to win acting awards, they know the truth deep down and that is why they haven't reached out in a lot of years... they don't want to learn how to love any way other than the selfish ways that keep them in their sheltered and insensitive little world... maybe that's the way of love for everyone... maybe I'll never know... sometimes I think of calling, but I really don't want to learn any more from them... I finally learned acceptance of failure... sure would like to learn some better way I've never known total acceptance, actualized unconditional love and trust... I've heard words many times, but I've never known the experiece of someone being there no matter what... I've always been abandoned when the going got tough... sometimes, when the going was going rather well, in fact... why I've met only takers and users and people who cold not actualize what family and love is supposed to mean (sometimes for very understandable reasons, I think) is one of those strange mysteries in this life time... I've given my life and everything in it a few times, but there've been no everything takers and keepers... just partial takers and discarders... maybe they are right... maybe I do ask for too much, asking to share everything completely openly honestly and unconditionally... I could always be wrong... sometimes I feel all the love in the world is not enough to fill the emptiness sometimes I know more than minds can contain I'm not enough to conquer loneliness I need you I need you I need you I'll pause here happy birthday mom |
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Goo Goo Dolls, work The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams oatmeal, yogurt wantlist READ DISCLAIMER , and wandering the web |
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