...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ...
A Journal of Sorts
. o O ( of course I should be sleeping ) O o .


sometimes a pause
is waiting to see what will happen next
sometimes a pause
is catching a breath
sometimes a pause
is beyond our understading
but every pause
knows why it is there
even if we don't













watching ET... and remembering

there were so many good times
laughter and tears deeper than words can reach
even though I had my rhymes
there was still so much to learn
still so much to learn

love is a fragile thing
and yet
the strongest force in the universe
I bet you never knew
all that love can do

love is a wicked thing
and true
when it doesn't get what it wants
from you it'll change the world
from the time you were boys and girls

there were so many times
so many good times
passion and pain words could never explain
beyond any rhymes
there is still so much to learn
so much to learn

memories
calling from the darkest corners
of your mind
wanting only one thing from you
don't leave us behind

you can run
you can hide
you can bury us all inside
but damn all the pride
damn fear
there are so many times
you feel
words you long to hear
be real
memories are where
you keep the dreams
you think are broken
and love unspoken

love is a fragile thing
and yet
the strongest force in the universe
no one ever knew
all that love can do

love is a wicked thing
and true
when it doesn't get what it wants
from you it'll take your life
carve it up with a sharp knife

there were so many times
remember the day
so much to say but words never came
and you walked away
there is still so much to learn
so much to learn

so I spend the majority of the movie searching the internet for old friends, old loves, old memories... and the irony remains that most of the people I want to find most are still not listed anywhere I've looked online... strange how, as open and out there as I am, the people who have meant the most to me in this life are not out there in any easy to find way... no listing anywhere... no web pages using their real names... no way to connect...

I have thought about spending money to pay for a search
but haven't felt like it would be worth it
maybe I just don't want to deal with disappointment
maybe I'm just too poor to buy lottery tickets
maybe I'm just procrastinating about that too

alas, perhaps they do not wish to connect... perhaps they do not want to keep in touch with their past... I'll try not to take that as a devaluation of my self-worth (and keep my sense of humor too) J

so I keep my promises deep inside
where no one can take them
no one can break them
no one can fake them
but they ache
for recognition
and they cry
for acceptance

but no one can found where they hide
or is that my greatest fear
why I wallow in despair
afraid no one can care
enough to feel
the violations
make them real
sweet absolution

where do you go when you need forgiveness
where do you find peace of mind
what do you do when your world is crashing
when love and god seems blind
when everything feels unjust
when you have no one to trust
when nobody understands
where do you land?



and when silence is the only answer you hear
where do you go
when you disappear



. o O ( wow... someday I ought to come back and finish that ) O o .


there is further irony on this date... the person who I called mom for a few years was born on this date... she adopted me to save her marriage and that didn't work... I also guess she wanted to fit in with her family and since her younger siblings all had kids, the pressure was on her big time... so I was her means to be normal... being normal was very important to her.. and very important to the man she later married after the first guy she adopted me with wandered off somewhere... I became an ornament and teddy bear that kept her normalish and company each night... and then some years later she married a guy perfect for her and left me far behind...

what I learned from her (and him, though he added callous disregard, egocentric superiority, and acceptance of failure) is how to be afraid and lonely and selfish and insensitive to anything that might make me feel... I never used that last skill, at least I don't think I did, until the last few years... before it was always the opposite... I poured fuel on my fires and poured alcohol on my wounds (still do, when they are physical) and poured myself out into words until my fingers bled and every feeling I had was as powerful as I could feel or imagine... but I gave up a few years ago... well, sorta... if you've wandered around theses gardens, I might think I gave up and may have genuinely wanted to give up, but obviously not completely... something...

I think she's still alive... him too...

for so many years, so many times, in so many ways I tried to help them love, tried to convince them that they did not have to be afraid to feel, that they could accept the things they've done and change the way they related to me and each other... but they were too convinced everything was my fault... after all, they were perfect for each other... they fed into each others dillusions so well that nothing else was real for them... especially not their adopted (and no longer necessary) child... fact is, they cold wait for me to get out and while they pretend love and appaul well enough to win acting awards, they know the truth deep down and that is why they haven't reached out in a lot of years... they don't want to learn how to love any way other than the selfish ways that keep them in their sheltered and insensitive little world... maybe that's the way of love for everyone... maybe I'll never know...

sometimes I think of calling, but I really don't want to learn any more from them... I finally learned acceptance of failure...

sure would like to learn some better way

I've never known total acceptance, actualized unconditional love and trust... I've heard words many times, but I've never known the experiece of someone being there no matter what... I've always been abandoned when the going got tough... sometimes, when the going was going rather well, in fact... why I've met only takers and users and people who cold not actualize what family and love is supposed to mean (sometimes for very understandable reasons, I think) is one of those strange mysteries in this life time... I've given my life and everything in it a few times, but there've been no everything takers and keepers... just partial takers and discarders...

maybe they are right... maybe I do ask for too much, asking to share everything completely openly honestly and unconditionally... I could always be wrong...

sometimes I feel
all the love in the world
is not enough
to fill the emptiness
sometimes I know
more than minds can contain
I'm not enough
to conquer loneliness

I need you
I need you
I need you






I'll pause here

happy birthday mom





STUFF CURRENTLY STIMULATING (OR BORING) THE SENSES
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audios
literata
edibles
gardens
oddends
linkage
moments
          E.T., Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, work,
Goo Goo Dolls, work
The Salmon of Doubt   by Douglas Adams
oatmeal, yogurt
   wantlist
READ DISCLAIMER   

, and wandering the web

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