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...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
so far behind more to follow later every day I feel I am going backwards more than forwards... it sed to be that I would progress in a 3-2-1 method... three steps forward, two steps backwards, one to the side... it was the most effective way of exploration and progress I found in this life... but lately the steps forward are not keeping up their pace and the steps backwards and to the side are either increasing or seem like they are... maybe I am subconsciously trying to create a new dance... or die... the motivation used to come 98% from internal sources and when the well ran dry, finding inspiration outside was as easy as looking around as anything could stimulate my creative juices when I wanted it to... that's the key, I suppose, wanting it to... why I've let go of the creative lofe raft I used to survive all through this life is a complicated story that I probably could not write tonight even if I wanted to remember it all... but betrayal is one key word for reference... as is failure... and trust, or loss of such... and love, or faith in love, or loss of such too... but those are just the broad strokes and I have not delved deeper in some time because the bleeding was threatening to drown all hope... so I came here... here, where there's always hope (I hope)... remember? I am closer to breaking the surface than I have been in some time... closer to waking up and actualizing life as I used to... or at least attempting the endeavor... and while it feels very mch like nobody really ares, that nobody is really listening to my ramblings and most of the words and the me within the words are washing down some ethereal drain the universe keeps jst for those not interesting or unworthy of attention... or maybe just for those not found, not matter how amazing they might be or what wonders they might produce in this life... I'd like to believe the latter... so would ego (see the cheesy grin?... ego has the cheesiest grins, developed in laboratories that formerly were dedicated to taking over the universe bt are not struggling for ways to get my attention... and yours too, I suppose)... all this attention seeking behavior... maybe I should just stop and roll over and wait... and read Beckett, or something... are you our there? J |
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