...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
so far behind
more to follow
the demands of the body... I feel like crap... I mean, profound pain... deep in my left shoulder, sometimes in my upper left side... breathing deep is like a vice... that leaves me with three choices... I'll either die of heart failure, make a serious change in my physical patterns, or I wait for this to pass and continue grazing in the typical American couch potato lifestyle... I took my blood pressure yesterday and it was high... there's an extra thirty pounds around my gut... no wonder I don't like looking into my eyes these days, I see the lack of self-love too well... wonder how many, if any, actually see this in the pic...
meanwhile, the dumb child inside sits here waiting for someone to come along and save me by caring enough to actually care about me in the daily physical life... I've mentioned it many times, that what I've always hoped to find was that unconditional love... the one who can and will and wants to commit for life and beyond, from first to last breath... even if that last breath comes in a coma or wheelchair or some way more or less challenging... grow old along with me?...
foolishly, I've wasted a number of years wallowing in self-pity because, as the dumb child whines so pathetically, nobody loves me... and even though it's dumb, it's also true... not that nobody cares about me... not that nobody loves me at all... but nobody has ever loved me as a mother or father is supposed to according to what just about everybody says and according to my own ideals... that unconditional love of family was never part of this life experience for me and it's scarred me (or is that scared me... both, bt I man damaged the cell structure for this moment)... I have allowed the lack of family unconditional love to cripple me in many ways through this life...
foolish is an understatement, especially since I know any connections we make in this life are illusionary because everything is... all that is in this life is what exists in our minds, illusions we share and believe in... everything is thought...
this is one of the most secure core fondations of my beliefs and has kept me from completely giving up on life and love and dreams even when others, for their own reasons, actively attempted to destroy everything I was, am, and believe in... the inner security is stronger than ever, though much of me is numb and scarred and
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