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...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
"I'm starting to ignore you I've doubted you so long I'm tired of overthinking I know you don't belong now I'm asking questions no one pushes me around everybody feels this way sometimes everybody feels this way and I do ... you can't hear it ... but I do ~ Lisa Loeb ~ do you?... I could bring so much excitement into your life... all you have to do is work with me... I've yet t meet another human being with as much energy as I can generate... or as much stamina as I can will when I want to... and today, at my most physically wasted ever, I still find myself the last one awake... here I am, 6AM, another night spent alone rambling on in these written gardens because it's more fun than sleeping... and for me there's more that hope the time spent writing will lead to sharing than there is in a silent night sleeping alone... ever since I could hear and even before I could understand language, people have been telling me what to do how to act, who I am... as if I couldn't figure out how to be who I am - and as if someone else could actually find the answers for me... I guess people don't realize the answers can only be found where they are, inside... I listen less than I used to, but I still don't do as I'm told J if I wasn't so alone in being who I am and going my way, it would be more amusing... I'm still looking for people who aren't afraid of or suspicious of unconditional love... and people who won't take advantage (consciously or unintentionally) of unconditinal trust... fo better or worse, I didn't change through this fundamental aspect of myself during these last few years through my own private brand of hell... guess I really wasn't ready to give up (hope that doesn't disappoint anyone)... I may be rambling on more abstractly in part to distract me from loneliness and more to distract me from the boredom of not going out and seekng more sharing more actively... it's self-preservation, and yet... it's stagnation... so it's almst time to realize this and make the next change... could be the poverty was forced because it fits the minimal social life phase... get over it... 
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